I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
