Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
