So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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