So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
