i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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