If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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