Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
