watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
