So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
