If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
