I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
