Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
being pregnant is like rehab
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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