Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
