I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
someone owes me an orgasm
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
