i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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