Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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