I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
