I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
