But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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