So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
