i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
