I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i came on her dog
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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