The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
