I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You may now shotgun with the bride
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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