ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
