If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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