I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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