fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
