well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
