I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
