I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
