This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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