I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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