If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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