speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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