im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
