I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
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There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
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TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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