That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
