why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
