I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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