so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
