Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
ttyl tear gas
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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