So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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