Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
