I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
