I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
