How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
