Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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