At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
