i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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