did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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