dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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