dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
