My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
