So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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