The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
