Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
BRING THE BAGELS
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Randomize
